Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no, just to avoid conflict, only to feel frustrated with yourself later? Or apologized too much, even when you weren’t at fault? The DBT skill FAST is all about maintaining your self-respect in those moments. It teaches you how to set boundaries, say “no,” and stay true to your values without sacrificing your integrity. FAST stands for Fair, No Apologies, Stick to Your Values, and Truthful. This skill is especially helpful if you struggle with people-pleasing or feel guilty for asserting yourself. FAST is about how you treat yourself during an interaction. It helps you respect your own feelings and needs, ensuring that whatever the outcome, you still feel good about yourself.

Breaking Down FAST

F – Fair: Be fair to both yourself and the other person. This means recognizing your own feelings and needs, while also acknowledging theirs. For example, if someone unintentionally hurts you, you might say, “I know you didn’t mean to upset me, but I still feel hurt.” It’s about treating both sides with respect.

A – No Apologies: Avoid apologizing for expressing your needs or feelings. This doesn’t mean never apologizing, but rather stopping the reflexive apologies for things you didn’t do wrong. For instance, don’t say “I’m sorry I’m bothering you,” just to ask for something you need. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to say sorry.

S – Stick to Your Values: Stand firm in your personal values and boundaries. Don’t compromise your integrity to please someone else. If you value honesty, don’t lie just to avoid conflict. If kindness is important to you, be kind but assertive. For example, if you’re asked to do something you don’t believe in, stick to your boundaries and be firm but respectful.

T – Truthful: Be honest, without exaggerating or making excuses. It might seem easier to tell a white lie to avoid discomfort, but lying only damages your self-respect in the long run. If you need to decline an invitation, you can simply say, “I’m too tired tonight” rather than making up an excuse.

Using FAST ensures that, whether or not you get the outcome you want in an interaction, you have behaved in line with your values and self-respect. For example, if you want to ask your boss for a raise, you make your request, but also use FAST to maintain self-respect. You’d be fair, not apologize for asking, stick to your values of assertiveness and honesty, and be truthful in your approach. Even if the boss says no, you can feel proud knowing you stood up for yourself with respect.

FAST is also vital when saying no. Suppose a friend keeps borrowing money and you want to say no. FAST reminds you: be Fair (recognize they have needs but so do you), no excessive Apologies for saying no (“I’m sorry, I’m just in a tight spot too” – one simple sorry is okay, but not profusely), Stick to your values (maybe financial responsibility or not enabling someone), and Truthful (maybe instead of making an excuse like “I don’t have money” when you do, you kindly tell the truth that you need to budget right now).

Using FAST in this way helps you avoid resentment and protect your self-respect in the process. By following FAST, you handle situations in a way that you feel good about later, which is crucial for long-term relational health and self-esteem. Each time you practice FAST, you strengthen your self-respect “muscle.” Notice if the other person respects you more when you respect yourself – often that happens. Over time, following FAST can even retrain people in your life to treat you with more respect, because you consistently show that you respect yourself.

Steps to Apply FAST

• Identify Your Values/Needs: Before entering a challenging conversation, remind yourself of your core values. Think about what outcome you can live with that doesn’t compromise your principles. For example, if you need to set a boundary, your value might be honesty or respect.
• Stay Fair: Listen to the other person’s point of view while expressing your own. Balance is key. Fairness means not blaming the other person or yourself for everything. If you find yourself swinging toward either entirely self-centered or overly self-sacrificing, recalibrate.
• Limit Apologies: Avoid over-apologizing when setting a boundary or expressing your needs. You can be polite and courteous without apologizing. For example, instead of “I’m sorry, I can’t cover your shift,” just say, “I won’t be able to cover your shift.” If you genuinely did something wrong, a simple sincere apology is fine, but don’t apologize for things like having feelings, needing help, or saying no.
• Stick to Your Values: Check in with yourself throughout the conversation. Are you staying true to your values? If honesty is important to you, don’t lie. If kindness is important, express your feelings in a compassionate way. If self-respect is a value (it should be in FAST), ensure you’re not agreeing to something that violates your limits. Sometimes sticking to values might make the immediate interaction less smooth, but your self-respect remains intact and that is crucial.
• Speak Truthfully and Clearly: Be clear and honest without exaggerating. Don’t make excuses, and don’t manipulate the situation to get sympathy. Being truthful builds trust and protects your integrity. Staying truthful also means not using manipulation – no fake flattery, no fabricating some catastrophe as an excuse, no pretending you’re okay with something when you’re not. Your words and nonverbal signals should match (that’s being truthful, too).
• Self-Respect Check: After the interaction, reflect on how you handled it. Did you stick to your values? If so, celebrate that you maintained your self-respect. If not, think about what could be improved next time.

Example Scenario

Sasha’s friends always choose restaurants that Sasha can’t really afford, but she’s gone along silently, ending up stressed about money. Using FAST, she decides next time to speak up. When they start planning an expensive dinner, Sasha responds: “Hey guys, I know you love that place (Fair by acknowledging them), but I have to be honest – it’s out of my budget right now (Truthful and not apologizing for her financial limits). How about we pick somewhere cheaper or do a potluck? (Sticking to her value of financial responsibility, and being Fair by offering a compromise.)” She doesn’t say “Sorry I’m so cheap” – no, she refrains from apologizing for being prudent. One friend teases, “Oh come on, live a little.” Sasha sticks to her value – “I gotta pay rent next week, I’m being responsible. You all are welcome to go without me, but I’d love to hang out somewhere less pricey.” She’s polite but firm, not budging on her boundary (this is being Fair to herself). The friends realize she’s serious and they agree to a more affordable spot. Sasha handled it without undue apology and stayed true to her needs.

Resources

Article: “Self-Respect Effectiveness: FAST”. This page offers a clear breakdown of the FAST acronym—Fair, No Apologies, Stick to Values, and Truthful—and explains how each component helps maintain self-respect during interpersonal interactions.

Video: “Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)- FAST Skill for Young Adult and Teen” by CopeWell Groups. A role-play demonstration by psychotherapists Nicole Barton and Colette Kelso, showcasing how to apply the DBT FAST skill in real-life scenarios.

Video: “DBT – Interpersonal Effectiveness – FAST (keeping self-respect)” by Dr Jennifer May. Dr. May provides an overview of the FAST skill, emphasizing guidelines for maintaining self-respect during interpersonal interactions.

Podcast: “Episode 33 – FAST” by DBT & Me Podcast. Hosts Kate and Michelle discuss the components of the FAST skill, offering insights into how it can help individuals assert themselves while maintaining self-respect.

Podcast: “Episode 6: Get What You Want by Using the GIVE and FAST Skills of DBT” by The Skillful Podcast. This episode explores both the GIVE and FAST skills, providing strategies for effective communication and self-respect in interpersonal interactions.