GIVE

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” – Maya Angelou

GIVE s an acronym in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that stands for be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, and use an Easy manner. It’s a core interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps you communicate in a way that’s both caring and respectful. Practicing GIVE is especially helpful for maintaining healthy relationships by fostering honest and kind interactions. When you use this skill, you’re strengthening your connection with others while also honoring your own needs.

We all know that maintaining relationships can be tricky, especially when emotions are running high. It’s natural to feel worried about saying the wrong thing or not being heard – those feelings are completely valid. That’s where DBT’s GIVE skill comes in. It provides a gentle framework to navigate those difficult moments, encouraging you to be understanding and kind without sacrificing your own needs. By practicing GIVE, you can communicate in a way that shows you care, which helps protect the relationship. It might feel a bit awkward at first, and that’s okay! The more you practice, the more natural it will become, and each time you use the GIVE technique, you’re building stronger, more effective communication habits.

How to Use the GIVE Skill

You can apply the GIVE skill in everyday conversations – whether you’re asking for help, saying no, or working through a disagreement. Keep the letters of “GIVE” in mind and try these helpful tips:

• Gentle: Approach the conversation with kindness and respect, even when you’re upset. It’s important to avoid yelling, using rude sarcasm, or placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never help me, you’re so selfish,” you could say, “I’d really appreciate your help with this.” Try to speak calmly and use polite words. Being gentle means showing respect without attacking or threatening – treating others as you’d want to be treated.
• Interested: Show that you genuinely care about what the other person is saying. Listen actively without interrupting. Use body language (like nodding your head or making eye contact) to show you’re engaged. You can also reassure them with phrases like “I see” or “I’m listening.” If something isn’t clear, ask gentle questions. Acting interested helps the other person feel heard and valued.
• Validate: Let the person know their feelings make sense to you. You don’t have to agree with everything, but try to see things from their point of view. Acknowledge their emotions with something like, “I understand why you feel that way” or “I can see this is really important to you.” Even simply saying, “I get that this was hard for you” can go a long way. Validation helps others feel understood, which can make them less defensive and more open to hearing your perspective.
• Easy Manner: Keep the tone friendly and light-hearted. Be polite, and if appropriate, you can use a bit of humor or a smile to ease any tension. A relaxed posture, a gentle joke, or a warm smile can make the conversation feel more comfortable. Just be sure to remain respectful – humor should never be used to mock the other person. The goal is to lighten the mood without dismissing the issue.

Tip: If these steps feel tough, take a deep breath before responding. Remind yourself that the aim is to keep the relationship healthy and respect both your own needs and the other person’s. You can even write the word “GIVE” on a card or save it on your phone as a reminder. With practice, these steps will become easier over time. time, using the GIVE skill will start to feel more natural.

Example Scenario

Emma and her friend Jamie had plans, but Jamie canceled at the last minute. Emma is hurt and angry. Instead of lashing out, Emma decides to use the GIVE skills. She calls Jamie and speaks in a gentle tone, saying, “I was really looking forward to seeing you.” Emma stays interested in Jamie’s side of the story – she asks calmly, “Is everything okay?” and listens without interrupting. Jamie admits he felt overwhelmed with schoolwork. Emma validates Jamie’s feelings: “I get it – you’ve been under a lot of pressure, and I understand why you needed to rest tonight.” She keeps an easy manner by assuring Jamie, “I’m not mad, I just miss hanging out” (and even manages a small chuckle to lighten the mood). Jamie feels relieved that Emma isn’t attacking him. He thanks Emma for understanding, and they reschedule their meetup.

In this scenario, Emma used GIVE to express her feelings honestly while still being caring. As a result, Jamie felt understood rather than criticized, and their friendship stayed strong. In your own life, scenarios might not resolve this perfectly – and that’s okay. Using the GIVE skills can greatly improve the chance of a positive outcome, but even if things don’t go perfectly, you can feel proud that you handled it with respect and kindness.

Resources

Article: “Using DBT GIVE Skills to Maintain Healthy Relationships” by Michael Vallejo (2023). An easy-to-read online article explaining each part of GIVE with examples of how to be gentle, show interest, validate others, and keep an easy manner in real-life situations.

Video: “DBT – Interpersonal Effectiveness – GIVE (Keeping Good Relationships)” by Dr Jennifer May (2020). A short explainer video reviewing how to be gentle, interested, validating, and easy-going to improve relationships.

Podcast: “Get What You Want by Using the GIVE and FAST Skills of DBT” by The Skillful Podcast (2019). A 32-minute audio discussion on using GIVE skills (and other DBT tools) to ask for what you need, resolve conflicts, and maintain respect in relationships.

Book: “DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition” by Marsha M. Linehan (2015). The official DBT workbook featuring all the core skills (including GIVE) with user-friendly handouts and practice exercises.

Book: “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook” by McKay et al. (2019). A practical self-help workbook that teaches DBT skills with examples and exercises; includes a section on interpersonal effectiveness and the GIVE approach.