Have you ever found it hard to ask for what you need or say “no” without feeling guilty or facing conflict? The DBT skill DEAR MAN is here to help. It’s a straightforward formula for communicating assertively and effectively—especially when you have a specific goal in mind, like setting a boundary or making a request. DEAR MAN helps you express yourself while maintaining respect for both you and the other person. Each letter stands for a step: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce (that’s the “DEAR”), and stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate (that’s the “MAN”). By following this process, you can be firm yet polite, increasing your chances of having your needs met.

DEAR MAN comes from the DBT module on Interpersonal Effectiveness, which focuses on achieving objectives while maintaining healthy relationships. Let’s break down the steps:

D – Describe: Start by neutrally describing the facts of the situation. Stick to the basics, like “Yesterday, the report deadline was missed” or “We’ve gone out every night this week.” Keep it simple and non-judgmental.

E – Express: Next, share your feelings or thoughts. Use “I” statements to avoid blame. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when deadlines are missed” or “I’m feeling tired.” Be honest and clear, but avoid sounding accusatory.

A – Assert: Clearly state what you need or say “no” without hesitation. Be direct—don’t apologize for your request or sugarcoat it. For instance, “I need an extension until Friday” or “I need to stay home tonight to rest.” Assertiveness means confidently stating your needs.

R – Reinforce: Offer a positive reason for your request. For example, “If we extend the deadline, I can deliver a better-quality report” or “If I rest tonight, I’ll have more energy for tomorrow.” This helps the other person understand the benefits of complying with your request.

M – Mindful: Stay focused on your goal, even if the conversation goes off track. If someone brings up an unrelated issue, gently steer the conversation back to your point. Stay calm and avoid being sidetracked by guilt or distractions.

A – Appear Confident: Present yourself confidently, even if you’re feeling nervous. This means making eye contact, speaking clearly, and avoiding self-doubt. You don’t need to feel confident, but acting confident will help others take you seriously.

N – Negotiate: If needed, be open to compromise. You might not get exactly what you want, but you can work out a solution that benefits both sides. If you’re saying no, offer alternatives, like, “I can’t drive you, but we can figure out another way.”

By using DEAR MAN, you take a calm, systematic approach to tough conversations. You describe the facts, share how you feel, state what you want, and reinforce cooperation—all while staying composed and flexible. Studies show that this approach improves the chances of successful communication, helping to manage conflicts without letting emotions or frustrations get in the way. DEAR MAN won’t guarantee you always get your way, but it maximizes the chance and minimizes resentment because you’ve handled things fairly and clearly.

Steps to Use DEAR MAN in Practice

• Plan Using the Acronym: Before having a tough conversation, take a moment to think through each DEAR MAN step. Also, think about any possible pushback and how you’ll stay mindful and confident. This prep helps you stay on track when the conversation begins. For example, if you need to ask your roommate to clean more:
  • Describe: “The trash has been overflowing for three days.”
  • Express: “I feel stressed seeing a mess.”
  • Assert: “I’d like us to agree that you take out the trash on Tuesdays and I do Fridays.”
  • Reinforce: “This way, our place stays cleaner and we argue less. It’ll be better for both of us.”
• Initiate the Conversation: Pick a time when the person is likely to be receptive—ideally when they aren’t too busy or upset. Use a calm tone and open body language. Start with the Describe step to lay out the facts: “I noticed the last three projects I submitted, I didn’t receive any feedback or response.” Then Express how it makes you feel: “I’ve been feeling unsure if my work is meeting expectations because of that.” This sets a clear, neutral tone.
• Be Direct in Asking or Saying No (Assert): When it’s time to make your request or say “no,” be direct but respectful: “I’d like to receive feedback on every project going forward,” or if saying no: “I won’t be taking on new tasks until I get feedback.” Then reinforce why it’s important: “Getting feedback helps me improve and do better work.” Pause and give them a chance to process what you said. They may respond or ask questions.
• Stay Mindful & Confident During Discussion: As the conversation unfolds, stay mindful of your goal and keep the discussion on track. If they try to distract or deflect (“I’m too busy”), calmly bring it back: “I understand you’re busy, but even a quick comment would really help.” If they get defensive (“You’re being too needy”), don’t engage in a back-and-forth. Instead, restate calmly: “Needing feedback is common, and it helps both of us. Can we find a way to make this work?” Throughout the conversation, Appear Confident by speaking clearly, making eye contact, and maintaining a steady posture. Avoid excessive apologies, and only apologize if you’ve truly done something wrong.
• Negotiate if Necessary: If they can’t meet your exact request, be open to alternatives that still meet your needs. For example, if your boss says they’re too busy to provide detailed feedback, try negotiating: “Could you perhaps give me a quick 1-2 minute verbal comment after each project, instead of written feedback? That would still help.” Or ask their perspective: “What might work for you? Maybe feedback on alternate projects?” Show you’re willing to find a solution together. In some cases, negotiation might mean you also give something: “I can take on that extra task next week if we can shift this deadline for me.” Be clear on what you won’t compromise too (your boundaries). The N (Negotiate) reminds us relationships are two-way; finding a middle ground can preserve harmony while still addressing your need. If it’s a no-saying scenario: you might negotiate how to soften the no: “I can’t drive you, but I can help you find another ride” – you’re negotiating an alternative.
• End on a Positive or Firm Note: Once the conversation is over, regardless of the outcome, close it politely. If they agreed or partially agreed, thank them: “Thank you for working on this. I think it’ll make a big difference.” If you’ve set a boundary, reinforce it one last time: “I’m glad we could clarify this. I value our relationship, which is why I wanted to be honest with you.” If the person refuses and no resolution is reached, acknowledge it: “I understand you can’t do that. It’s disappointing, but thank you for hearing me out.” Even if you don’t get everything you wanted, you’ve communicated clearly, and you’ve maintained respect in the process.

Example Scenario

Maria’s landlord has been entering her apartment without notice, and it’s making her feel uncomfortable. She decides to use the DEAR MAN method to address it. First, she practices in her head. The next time she sees her landlord, she starts:

(D) Describe: “Hi, I want to talk about the apartment entry. Over the past month, you’ve come into my unit three times without giving me notice beforehand.”
(E) Express: “This has been really upsetting for me and makes me feel unsafe in my own home.”
(A) Assert: “I need you to give me at least 24 hours’ notice before entering my apartment, as the lease requires.”
(R) Reinforce: “If you do that, I’ll feel more comfortable, and we’ll have a better landlord-tenant relationship. Plus, it’s the legal requirement, so I’m sure you understand.”

Maria speaks calmly but firmly, maintaining eye contact. The landlord tries to deflect: “Oh, it was just quick checks, I didn’t think it was a big deal.” Maria stays Mindful: “I understand you didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is for me. The lease and law require notice, and I really need that to feel secure.” (She repeats her request in a calm, steady way.)

She Appears Confident, standing tall without fidgeting. The landlord gets a little defensive: “I have many properties, I can’t always remember to call.” Maria moves into Negotiate: “I can help with that. If something needs checking, you can just text me as a form of notice, even on short notice. I just need a heads-up. Could you agree to at least send a text an hour or more before entering?”

The landlord finally agrees, “Alright, I can do that.” Maria reinforces with a positive statement: “Great, thank you. I really appreciate it—it’ll help me feel more at ease knowing everything’s okay.”

By the end of the conversation, Maria has achieved her goal of getting notice before entry and kept the interaction respectful. She feels assertive and relieved, instead of resentful.

Resources

Podcast: “Episode 30: DEAR MAN” by DBT & Me (2020). Kate and Michelle discuss the first interpersonal effectiveness skill, DEAR MAN, which walks you through the specific steps necessary to make a request of someone else for something you want.

Podcast: “DBT Skills: DEAR MAN” by Super Feeler: A BPD Podcast (2024). Laurie Edmundson explores the DEAR MAN skill, emphasizing its importance in effectively asking for what you want or saying no while maintaining relationships and self-respect.

Podcast: “DBT Education: DEAR MAN Skill” by She Persisted (2020). Sadie Sutton provides an educational overview of the DEAR MAN skill, advising how to get what you want effectively in your relationships.

Book: “Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others” by Judy Murphy (2011). Not DBT-specific, but aligns with DEAR MAN principles and offers scripts for assertive communication.

Video: “DEAR MAN: How to Communicate Assertively” by DBT-RU. An informative video that breaks down the DEAR MAN skill, focusing on how to communicate assertively in interpersonal situations.

Video: “Using the DEARMAN Framework to Say No” by The Skillful Podcast (2019). A discussion on applying the DEARMAN framework to assertively say no in difficult interactions.

Article: “Mastering DEAR MAN: The Ultimate Guide to Assertive Communication and Stronger Relationships” by Alicia Smart with TheraHive. A detailed guide exploring the DEAR MAN skill, providing insights into its application for effective communication and relationship building.