Vulnerable Cards

Compassionate Others

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama XIV

When we are overwhelmed by self-criticism or shame, it can be incredibly healing to imagine or connect with someone who treats us with pure kindness and understanding. Compassionate Others is a concept from Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) where you intentionally evoke the image or presence of a deeply compassionate figure – this could be a kind mentor, a loving grandparent, a spiritual figure, or even an imagined ideal compassionate being. By focusing on how this person would support and accept you, you tap into feelings of warmth, safety, and reassurance that can soothe your emotional pain. Essentially, you’re borrowing the compassion of another (real or imagined) to help heal yourself.

Compassion-Focused Therapy (developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert) recognizes that many people, especially those struggling with shame, trauma, or harsh self-criticism, have difficulty showing compassion to themselves. CFT uses guided exercises to develop compassion, one of which is Compassionate Other Imagery. In this practice, you create or recall a figure who embodies limitless compassion – someone who sees the best in you and accepts you unconditionally. This figure might be drawn from your life (like a supportive friend or a wise elder you admire), or completely imagined (for example, a benevolent guide or even a nurturing animal or fictional character). The key qualities of a Compassionate Other are often wisdom, strength, warmth, and non-judgmental acceptance. By visualizing this compassionate presence and how they would respond to your struggles, you begin to activate a soothing system in your brain. Research in CFT suggests that compassionate imagery can increase self-compassion and reduce feelings of threat or shame. Culturally, people have done this for centuries in different forms – from imagining the loving guidance of a deity or guardian angel, to keeping photos of loved ones for comfort. Whether real or imaginary, connecting with a Compassionate Other helps you feel less alone and builds your capacity to be gentle and supportive toward yourself.

Steps to Connect with a Compassionate Other

  • Choose Your Compassionate Other: Think of someone (or create an ideal figure) who makes you feel safe, loved, and understood. It could be a family member who cared for you, a historical/spiritual figure known for compassion (like the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Jesus, Quan Yin), or even a composite being you create (e.g. “a wise loving grandmotherly figure with infinite patience”). What matters is that you perceive them as deeply caring and accepting. If it’s hard to think of a real person, it’s okay to invent one that possesses all the qualities of kindness you long for.
  • Imagine Their Presence in Detail: Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and imagine this Compassionate Other is with you. Envision what they look like (or sense their presence if you don’t “see” images well), the tone of their voice, maybe even a comforting scent or touch associated with them. Importantly, notice the feeling of their attitude toward you – total warmth, concern for your well-being, and zero judgment. For example, you might picture sitting beside a gentle, wise friend who places a hand on your shoulder reassuringly.
  • Receive Compassionate Messages: Now, bring to mind something you’re struggling with – perhaps you feel like you failed at something, or you’re hurting. Imagine your Compassionate Other knows everything about you (all your pain, your past, your intentions) and still absolutely loves and accepts you. What would they say to you right now? Perhaps they say, “I see how hard you’re trying, and I’m so proud of you. It’s okay to make mistakes – you are human and you are worthy of love.” Let their kind words (or simply the feeling of their kindness) wash over you. You might even imagine them giving you a hug or a gentle smile. Allow yourself to absorb this compassion as if it were true nourishment.
  • Practice Dialogue or Writing (Optional): You can deepen this by having a dialogue. You could journal a letter from your Compassionate Other to yourself, writing in their voice, offering you support and perspective. Or, speak aloud what you imagine they’d say. Some people even keep an empty chair and imagine the compassionate person sitting there and talking. It may feel awkward at first, but with practice it becomes more natural and emotionally powerful.
  • Carry the Experience with You: When you finish the imagery, notice how you feel. Often people report feeling calmer, comforted, or uplifted, as if they “borrowed” some strength from that figure. Recall that you generated this compassion from within – meaning you have access to it whenever you need. In difficult moments, you can briefly pause and recall the voice or image of your Compassionate Other to guide you. Over time, this builds your self-compassion muscle: the goal is that you eventually internalize this compassionate voice as your own. In other words, you learn to talk to yourself like that compassionate friend would. Until then, you can always “invite” your Compassionate Other whenever you need a dose of unconditional empathy.

Example Scenario

Marisol struggles with intense self-criticism. After a long day of work where she made a small error, her inner critic is berating her: “I’m such an idiot, I always mess up.” Feeling awful, Marisol tries a Compassionate Other exercise. She imagines her late grandfather – who was always kind and patient with her – sitting next to her. In her mind’s eye, she sees his warm eyes and gentle smile. She imagines telling him about the mistake she made. He listens and then says in his familiar, loving voice, “Oh mijita, one mistake doesn’t define you. I remember how hard you work and how many things you do right. I love you no matter what. You’re learning, and I’m proud of you.” Marisol’s eyes fill with tears as she feels her grandfather’s unconditional acceptance. The harsh self-judgment in her mind starts to soften. She writes a little note to herself from “Grandpa” and keeps it. The next time she felt worthless, she re-read it and remembered that feeling of being loved. Gradually, Marisol starts speaking to herself in kinder words that echo her grandpa’s tone. The Compassionate Other she envisioned helped her cultivate real self-compassion.

Resources

Podcast: “Paul Gilbert: Compassion: How to Develop Self-Acceptance” The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall (2022). In this episode, Professor Gilbert discusses the role of compassion in enhancing well-being and offers exercises to cultivate self-compassion.

Guided Meditation: “Compassionate Other Imagery” by Paul Gilbert (2013). A 20-minute exercise where CFT founder Paul Gilbert guides you to create and visualize an ideal Compassionate Other.

Article: “Developing Your Compassionate Other” by Psychology Tools. This resource provides a structured exercise to help individuals create and connect with an internal compassionate figure.

Book: “The Compassionate Mind Workbook” by Chris Irons & Elaine Beaumont (2018). A practical guide offering step-by-step exercises based on Compassion Focused Therapy to develop self-compassion and address self-criticism.

Article: “Psychotherapeutic benefits of compassion-focused therapy: an early systematic review” by J. Leaviss & L. Uttley (2015). This systematic review evaluates the effectiveness of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) in treating mood disorders, particularly in individuals with high self-criticism, and suggests the need for further large-scale studies.

Article: “16 Compassion Focused Therapy Techniques & Exercises (+ PDF)” by Courtney E. Ackerman, MA (2017). This article offers a comprehensive overview of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), including 16 practical exercises and worksheets designed to help individuals cultivate self-compassion and reduce self-criticism.