Willingness

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), willingness refers to an open stance of accepting whatever thoughts, feelings, or sensations come – instead of fighting or avoiding them – so that you can do what matters to you. It’s often summed up as “making room” for discomfort in order to live your values. Imagine holding your unpleasant feelings gently, like holding a crying baby, rather than trying to shove them away. Willingness is the opposite of avoidance or resistance. For example, a person practicing willingness might say: “I don’t like this anxiety I feel, but I am willing to have it if it means I can go to the party and connect with my friends.” By being willing to experience inner discomfort, we actually may find it passes more freely, and we free ourselves to engage in life more fully. A key ACT idea is “If you’re not willing to have it, you will.” This means that the more you resist or run from a feeling (like anxiety or sadness), the more it tends to persist or control you. Willingness, on the other hand, softens that struggle. It’s not resignation or liking the pain; it’s choosing to allow feelings and experiences without letting them derail you from what you care about. It can be scary at first, but willingness often leads to a sense of freedom – you learn that you can carry unwanted feelings and still move forward.

How to Practice Willingness

• Notice when you’re struggling against feelings: The first step is mindfulness – recognizing moments when you’re saying “I can’t stand this” or trying hard to distract yourself from an emotion or urge. For instance, maybe you catch yourself pacing and ruminating to avoid feeling sadness, or avoiding an activity because you might feel anxious. Gently acknowledge, “I’m feeling X and I really want to push it away right now.” This awareness itself is a step toward willingness.
• Remind yourself of your values: Ask, “What is this discomfort in service of?” Identify the meaningful thing you get by being willing to experience discomfort. For example, sitting with anxiety during a job interview is in service of your value of career growth, or facing sadness in therapy is in service of healing and self-care. Connecting the willingness to a purpose gives you motivation: “I am willing to feel this because it helps me do what’s important (or be the kind of person I want to be).”
• Open up to the sensation: Instead of tensing up against an uncomfortable feeling, see if you can open up around it. This might mean breathing slowly and imagining your breath moving into the area of your body where you feel emotional tension (tight chest, knotted stomach, etc.). You might silently say, “It’s okay. Let me feel this.” Observe the sensation with curiosity – is it warm, tight, jittery? Notice that those sensations are present, but they do not have to stop you. They are a wave you can surf, rather than a brick wall.
• Drop the struggle language: Catch and rephrase thoughts that are fighting reality. If you think “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I have to make this feeling go away,” gently counter with a willing stance: “I feel what I feel. I can allow it, even if I don’t like it.” Some people find it helpful to say affirmations like “Yes, this is what I’m feeling. I can handle it.” or “I give myself permission to experience this.” It might feel strange at first, but these phrases reinforce acceptance over resistance.
• Take action with the feeling present: Willingness is ultimately an action. It means proceeding with what you need or want to do while allowing the feeling to be there. For example, you carry your anxiety with you onto the stage to give a speech, rather than canceling the talk. Or you kindly acknowledge your craving but choose not to drink, letting the urge buzz in the background until it passes. Each time you act despite the discomfort – not in a white-knuckle way but in an accepting, “come along if you must” way – you build confidence that feelings aren’t dictators. They can ride in the car with you, but you’re still driving toward your values.

Example Scenario

Dev has a fear of flying but values traveling to see new places and visit family. In the past, he either avoided flying or white-knuckled through flights with lots of anxiety. Now, practicing willingness, Dev tries a different approach. Before a trip, he notices his anxiety building – sweaty palms, racing heart, thoughts like “I can’t handle this.” Instead of getting angry at himself or trying to shove it down with lots of TV (his old habit), Dev acknowledges the fear: “Okay, I’m anxious and my mind is trying to protect me. Thank you, mind. I’m still going to take this trip because it’s important to me.” At the airport, when the anxiety surges, he closes his eyes and breathes, imagining making space for the butterflies in his stomach. He silently tells himself, “I allow this feeling. I can feel this and still board the plane.” During the flight, whenever turbulence or worries hit, he practices unclenching his muscles and reminds himself why he’s here – “I’m willing to be anxious to go see Grandma, whom I love.” It’s not a comfortable flight, but Dev notices that by not fighting the fear, it’s actually more tolerable; he even dozes off for a bit. On the return flight, his anxiety shows up again, but he greets it like a jittery companion rather than an enemy. Dev gets through both flights without panicking or avoiding – a victory made possible by willingness.

Resources

Mobile App: “ACT Coach” by US Department of Veterans Affairs. A free app with ACT exercises; it includes mindfulness and acceptance tools that can walk you through practicing willingness when you’re feeling overwhelmed by something.

Book: “The Happiness Trap” by Dr. Russ Harris (2008). A very reader-friendly ACT book that explains concepts like willingness vs. willfulness, with lots of exercises to practice accepting emotions and defusing thoughts.

Website: “ACT Mindfully” by Dr. Russ Harris. Offers free worksheets and videos; look for the “Acceptance” exercises which guide you in experiencing feelings willingly (e.g., the “Dropping Anchor” technique).

Book: “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life” by Steven C. Hayes (2005). An ACT workbook by the founder of ACT; it has a whole section on accepting feelings (willingness) with step-by-step practices.

Video: “Willingness: The Essential Skill For Processing Emotions” by Therapy in a Nutshell (2021). Emphasizes that developing the skill of willingness—actively choosing to experience and accept emotions without avoidance or resistance—is crucial for effectively processing and managing challenging feelings like anxiety.