Grief

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” — A.A. Milne

Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to us. If you are grieving, your feelings are valid and understandable – whether you’re experiencing sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, or even numbness. Grief can come from many types of losses: the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, losing a job, or any major life change. There’s no “right” way to grieve and no set timeline. You might have days where you feel okay and days where the pain feels fresh again; both are normal. While grief is hard, you do not have to go through it alone.

Grief can affect us emotionally, physically, and mentally. You may notice waves of intense emotion or a dull ache that lingers in the background. It’s common to have trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, or difficulty focusing when you’re grieving. Importantly, grief is not a linear process that everyone follows​. The idea of distinct stages (denial, anger, bargaining, etc.) can be helpful for some, but in reality most people’s grief doesn’t move through clear-cut stages. Instead, feelings can come and go in no particular order. One moment you might feel acceptance and the next you feel angry or heartbroken again. This is normal. As Dr. Earl A. Grollman put it, grief is not a disorder or weakness – it is “an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love”​. In other words, we grieve deeply because we loved deeply. Over time, the acute pain tends to soften. You won’t ever “forget” the loss, but you will gradually learn to carry it and find a new way forward.

Coping Strategies

While nothing can magically take away the pain of a loss, these strategies may help you survive and slowly heal:

• Give yourself permission to grieve: Allow tears to come if they need to, or allow yourself to feel upset or angry. Crying, venting, or simply sitting with your feelings are healthy reactions, not something to be ashamed of.
• Seek support: You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to someone you trust – a family member, friend, support group, or counselor. Simply having someone listen to your memories or check in on you can provide comfort. If talking is hard, even the presence of a caring person or chatting online with a support group can help you feel understood.
• Honor your loss in meaningful ways: Some people find comfort in rituals or creative expression. You might light a candle, create a small memorial, write a letter or journal to the person you lost, or make a scrapbook of memories. Doing something to honor what or who you lost can channel grief into love and keep a sense of connection.
• Take care of your basic needs: Grief is exhausting. Try to remember to eat, stay hydrated, and rest. Simple things like a short walk, sitting in the sun for a few minutes, or taking a warm bath can physically soothe your stressed body. You may not have much energy or motivation, so go gently and do what you can – small acts of self-care make a difference.
• Be patient and avoid self-judgment: There’s no set time to “get over” a loss. It might take months or years to feel more like yourself, and in some ways life may always feel different. Don’t pressure yourself to “move on” quickly or compare your grief to others. However you are experiencing grief is okay. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means adapting to a new reality while keeping the love and memories as part of you.

Example Scenario

Alex lost his older sister in a car accident. In the weeks after, he swung between numb shock and overwhelming sadness. Some days he even felt a bit of joy when recalling a funny childhood memory, only to be followed by guilt for feeling okay even briefly. A few months later, Alex joined a local grief support group. Hearing others talk about similar waves of emotion reassured him that he wasn’t “going crazy” – he was grieving. He started going for short walks each morning, which cleared his mind a bit. On his sister’s birthday, Alex and his family cooked her favorite meal and shared stories, crying and laughing together. It hurt, but it also felt good to remember. Alex’s grief didn’t vanish, but over time he noticed the intense lows weren’t as frequent. He learned that his grief was really a form of love, and that it was okay to slowly start finding moments of happiness again without letting go of his sister’s memory.

Resources

Book: “On Grief and Grieving” by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler (2005). Offers insight into the emotions of grief (from denial to acceptance) and reassures that all these feelings are part of the healing journey.

Book: “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine (2017). A validating guide that challenges the idea of “getting over” grief, instead offering support and coping tools for living with loss.

Video: “We don’t ‘move on’ from grief, we move forward with it” by Nora McInerny (TED Talk, 2019). A compassionate, at times even humorous talk by a young widow about how she learned to live with grief and find a new normal.